Agonized Aragorn's Atrocious Adventures
by Lady Bitter Irony
Summary: A playful parody of Aragorn's experiences at Minas Tirith, in both book and film. What are the Dead doing with clipboards? What is that horrible creature called Smookums? What is the sum ofimaginary number j and it's square root cubed? Read and find out!
1. Helm's Deep

Hello, everyone! I'm here trying my hand at humor; _please review_ so I know what I need to work on! Thank you to everyone who has read my previous two stories; if you haven't yet, please check them out. Also, the idioms and phrases in the following story are not suited to Middle Earth; this is intentional. You could probably have figured that out yourself, but I'm pretty well known as the big-mouth-who-can't-take-a-modern-phrase-in-Tolkien-context, and I don't want to be called a hypocrite as well.

Disclaimer; I do not own any of the characters or settings and am not responsible for their actions :) Manwe's bling, however, is all mine.

P.S. Does anyone know how to puctuate this sentance; "Oh no!" S/she excalimed. Is it a capital or lowercase 's'? Please let me know; I have done it both ways in this story.

Let's see...anything else? Oh, yes. **_REVIEW!_** Now that I've got THAT out of my system...

Aragorn hacked his way through masses of orcs, searching the wall behind him for any familiar faces. Legolas and Gimli were nowhere to be found, but the future king was more annoyed than concerned at his friends' absence. The entire day, up to and including this battle, was going compleltely amiss, and Aragorn would feel far safer with his friends backing him up.

A shout of surprise caught Aragorn's attention. With one quick swipe, he eradicated a good percentage of Sauraman's army, then rushed off in the direction of sound.

He was forced to dispatch another thirty orcs or so as he battled his way to the place where Eomer was surrounded by the enemy. The Marshal was currently going head-to-head with an Uruk-hai roughly twice his size as the others closed in.

"Eomer!" Aragorn shouted.

Eomer turned and flashed a beaming smile, missing about 10 excellent opportunities to finish off the Uruk. Aragorn rushed in and severed the sword arm of the orc about to skewer the rider.

"Hey!" Eomer pouted, as Aragorn saved his posterior three times in rapid succession. "Go find your own orcs! I'm doing fine over here!"

"No, you aren't," Aragorn panted. He paused to stick his sword through the neck of the Uruk sneaking up behind him. "You do realize this is the fifth"--he broke off to decapitate another orc--"I mean, sixth time in less than a minute I've had to rescue you?"

Eromer stuck his tongue out and threw himself into valiant but otherwise completely useless combat.

The another voice sounded, this one calling a retreat.

"What?" Aragorn asked in surprise. "I thought we were winning!"

"I don't know about you, but I know _I'm _winning!" Eomer answered, finally killing his opponent. Aragorn had the nagging suspicion it had laughed itself to death.

"Then keep it up," he said to Eomer. "I'm going to see what's going on back there." He ran across the battlefield, dodging thorough the orcs, who had unexplainably turned their attention towards the wall and given him an unhindered route to the keep.

There, Aragorn found Theoden running around in progressively smaller circles and babbling incomprehensibly.

"King Theoden..." Aragorn began.

"Retreat, retreat, we're all gonna die!" The king shrieked, still running in circles.

"Actually, I think we're almost winning."

Theoden skid to a halt. "We are? And how would _you_ know?"

"I was just out there, and I really think..."

"I don't care what _you _think. Last I checked, I was king of Rohan, and you were some annoying little Ranger who wants to be king of Gondor. So go on and do whatever it is you were doing, and I will do my job, thank you very much!" Then he turned and screamed, "Retreat, we're all gonna die, its a lost cause," and similar pessimistic mumbo-jumbo. With a long-suffering sigh, Aragorn left the wall in search of orcs to annialate.

Suddenly, there was a high-pitched squeal as someone hugged him from behind. "O-M-G! It's Estel!"

Aragorn pulled out of Arwen's chokehold. "What in Mordor are you doing here?"

"Fighting, silly!" Arwen giggled. "What else would I be doing?"

"I thought you were going to the Undying Lands!"

"Apparently, so did daddy."

Hundreds of questions crowed Aragorn's head, but a rather large orc with eyebrows reminisant of Elrond's appeared behind Arwen, and the Ranger nearly collided with his betrothed as she gorily disemboweled it.

"Ewww!" She squealed, then ran off before Aragorn could say anything. Well, he decided, there was really no reason to worry. If worst came to worst, she might save Eomer from certain death.

He had just come to this conclusion when the ground beneath him promptly opened up.

Upon regaining consciousness a few moments later, Aragorn took in his surroundings. He was in a cave of some sort, encircled with glittering stalagmites and stalactites. Off in the distance, he heard a voice singing a catchy jingle.

"Hi-ho, hi-ho, a-killin' orcs I go! With elven blades and hand grenades hi-ho, hi-ho, hi-ho, hi-ho!"

"Gimil?" Aragorn asked groggily.

The singing stopped abruptly as a short figure materialized out of the darkness. "What do you want?"

"Aren't you supposed to be helping fend off the orcs?"

Gimili snorted. "Shesh! Just because I'm singing something, you can't expect me to actually do it!"

"I thought that..."

"You quite obviously thought wrong. Now go find some orcs to kill. I'm otherwise occupied...oh look! A shiney..." Glassy-eyed, Gimili wanted off into the cavern's depths.

Aragorn dusted himself off and examined the hole in the cavern's ceiling far above him through which he had fallen. There was no way he could see to pull himself up, so he reluctantly followed the sound of Gimli's ghastly singing.

After crawling through what must have been miles worth of tunnels, he found himself face-to-face with Eowyn, quite literally.

"Thank the Valar!" He exclaimed, nearly hugging her in relief. "I'm trying to find a way up to the battle."

So am I," Eowyn answered haughtily. Then her face brightened. "Hey, I know! If you convince Uncle Theoden to let me fight, I'll show you the way out of here!"

"I don't know if that's such a good idea," Aragorn warned, thinking of Arwen and what might happen if his betrothed ran into the Rohan woman.

"You don't know the way out, either," Eowyn pointed out.

They glowered at each other for a moment before Aragorn threw his hands up in the air.

"Fine. You show me the way out, and you can run off and kill as many orcs as you like. I'll keep your uncle and brother from noticing. Deal?"

"Deal!" Eowyn exclaimed, brimming with sunshine. She pulled Aragorn into a tight hug. "Come on, this way!"

They wound their way through even more low tunnels, down a precaroius ladder, over a rope bridge, under a busy road and up an elevator before finding themselves right along the inside of the curtain wall. "Thanks..."Aragorn began, but Eowyn was already skipping away, gleefully decapitating Uruk-hai right and left.

Massaging his temples, Aragorn ran up the stairs to the wall. The battle didn't appear to be going well in the least; there was an unexplained hole in the defenses with a large banner proclaiming "Welcome Orcs!" Theoden's gibbering had gone so high-pitched as to be beyond the threshold of human hearing.

"Yo-yo, my bro!" A strange voice said just over Aragorn's left shoulder. The Ranger turned to see a tall elf with long silver hair and a gigantic golden rune around his neck. It appeared to be an 'S' crossed with two vertical lines and encrusted with diamonds.

"Yeah, you!" The Elf said, snapping the gold chain with his thumbs. "Just sos y'all know, your Haldir homie's about to kick the proverbial bucket. Just thought y'all might wanna know that." Then he disappeared.

Realizing he had just been in the presence of Manwe himself, Aragorn consciously resisted the urge to sink to his knees and instead began searching for Haldir.

"Does anybody know where Haldir is?" He shouted. The Elves around him shrugged, a few pointing in the direction of the keep. Aragorn leapt off the wall (not very gracefully, as was noted by the Elves) and ran to the center of Helm's Deep.

In the Great Hall, a strange sight awaited him. Legolas and Haldir were sitting at a table, sipping something warm from cups marked with curious emblems and the word "Starbucks" across the rim. Haldir was shooting rubber bands at a tapestry of Eorl the Not-All-There; Legolas was using a nail file to engrave his name in the table-top.

"There you two are!" Aragorn complained. The two Elves guiltily looked up from their vandalism. "Haldir, Manwe just showed up and pronounced your death eminent."

"Don't mind him!" Legolas interrupted, admiring a particularly large and intricate LG. "He's pretty much always wrong. Ever since that Morgoth incident he's been kind of, you know..." Legolas rotated his finger in the air next to his ear in the universal symbol for mental instability.

Haldir laughed so hard he chocked on his coffee and died.

"Then again," Legolas amended, glancing at his newly deceased companion, "I could be wrong about that."

Before Aragorn could respond, a swarm of orcs burst through the doors and surrounded the table. The Ranger whipped out his sword as Legolas quickly fashioned a makeshift bow with his nail file and a rubber band.

The orcs glared threateningly.

They glared back.

All the glaring nonsense continued for about five minutes before Arwen and Eomer burst through the door.

"Die, vile orc scum!" Eomer cried. "This room is half full of em' buggers! There's enough for both of us!"

"Yeah!" Arwen giggled. "Though I like to see it as half-empty..."

Between the two Elves and the two Men, the two hundred orcs were dead in well under five minutes.

"Great job, team!" Eomer declared proudly, giving the sniggering Arwen a high five. The two of them skipped happily out of the room, nearly running--er, skipping--over a flustered Eowyn.

"Who's in charge here?" She demanded. Legolas and Aragorn pointed at each other, announcing "It's all his fault!" in rapid succession.

_"Who's in charge?" Lady Bitter Irony asked, appearing in the fanfic for no particular reason. "I thought he played first base."_

Eowyn rolled her eyes. "You're all idiots. Anyway, I'm officially taking over command of this place as of now. If Theoden notices--which I doubt--throw him in a hole in the ground!"

"I don't think..." Aragorn began, but Eowyn had already left.

"Tough luck," Legolas said, sipping his coffee. "Well, who's up for throwing Theoden in a hole in the ground?"

Aragorn shook his head. "Whatever."

The Elf tossed his coffee cup onto the table, pocketed his nail file, and cheerfully went off to find the King of Rohan.

Aragorn wearily sank into Legolas's chair, pointedly ignoring the surrounding carnage. Off in the distance, he heard a distinctive high-pitched squeal and ominous 'thump' as Theoden was--quite literally--brought down a level.

"Waz'up, my man?" Manwe asked, popping into existence across the table.

"Manwe!"

The Vala waved his hand absently. "That's my name, its all the same, insanity's my game. So, my foreboding forecast came true after all, hey? Sometimes I get lucky like that."

Aragorn nodded miserably, flicking a rubber band. "Everything's going wrong. Eowyn and Arwen are trying to take charge of this battle, and Eomer's suicidal. Legolas just threw Theoden into the mines. Gimil's gone mineral obsessed. What in Middle Earth..."

"Not as to make light of your problems, buddy, but look out the window over there."

And lo! out of the west like the rising of the sun if the earth spun backwards came Gandalf, bringing with him reinforcements!

"Thank you Valar!" Aragorn exclaimed.

"Don't mention it," Manwe said, and with a snap of his bling, he disappeared.

From that point on, the battle finally started going Aragorn's way. Eowyn proved a much worthier leader than Theoden; the temporarily displaced king found solace in the comforting shininess of the glittering caves. Eomer and Arwen worked together to slay many foes. Legolas convinced Gimli to come up to the wall and help shoot rubber bands at the orcs. Haldir remained dead; however, this did little to diminish the pointedly festive attitude of the defenders. Aragorn, seeing that most everything was under control, went to his temporary residence in the keep for some much-needed rest, mentally reminding himself _never _to get involved in other people's wars again.

As he lay in bed, he hummed a jaunty tune to himself; _Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off to sleep I go...with rubber bands and less demands hi-ho, hi-ho..._


	2. Minas Tirith

Hello, everyone!I'm sorry about not updating sooner, but my computer went loopy.Please enjoy this second helping of atrocious adventures! Thank you to everyone who reviewed the first chapter; hopefully you all got my replies. Thanks also for the grammer help!

Disclaimer; It is not mine, I'm sad to say; it is not mine, but I hope you love it anyway!

Please read and **review**; _if you don't have something nice to say, please say something anyway!_ "'Tis no excuse for not reviewing! If thou dist not read it all, tell me where thou stopethed in thy reading. If thou lovest it, sayest thou what thou loveth; if thou hatest it, what didstthou hate? If thou wert horribly offended, sayest thou what offendeth theeso I can do it again..." -Anon.

The great ship filled with the dead anchored near the shore. In the distance, near Minas Tirith, the field was a mess of orcs, Rohan soldiers, and Gondorians. Scattered throughout the armies, Oliphants crashed through allies and enemies alike.

Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli leapt from the deck of the ship. The ranger had his sword drawn; Gimli wielded a lethal collection of rubber bands to shoot at the enemy. Legolas stood apart with a cup of coffee in his hand and a lost expression on his face.

Despite the lack of preparation on his friends' part, Aragorn was feeling strangely optimistic. The dead had been more cooperative than he'd expected, and the battle appeared to be going well.

"Hey, Ranger!" The King of the Dead shouted, leaning over the ship railing. "Before we begin...would you care to take a survey?"

"_What_?" Aragorn exclaimed.

"You thought we were just going to help you because we're nice people?" The King snorted. "Here, I'll make you a deal. We'll be really extra helpful to you if _you're_ really helpful to us and engage in a little market research."

_I don't have time for this_, Aragorn groaned mentally. Out loud, "Fine, but make it quick."

The Dead happily floated out of any and all openings in the ship, brandishing clipboards and pens.

"All right. First of all, what's your name? Oh, scratch that. Second...er, first...why are you seeking the service of the dead?"

"Because you're practically invincible," Aragorn snapped impatiently. There followed some appreciative nods and the scribbling of pens. Belatedly, Aragorn marked the disappearance of Legolas and Gimli.

"Next, how did you locate us?" The Dead continued.  
Paths of the Dead, Palantir, messenger pigeon, e-mail, telephone, telegraph, pager, smoke signal, or our secretary, Leslie?"

"Paths of the dead," Aragorn dutifully answered.

"And how would you rate our services thus far?"

"Look, all you've done so far is read off a list of ridiculous questions. Could you go off and fight now?"

The Dead glowered at him, but the ghostly clipboards obediently vanished, replaced by steel swords. They floated off, silently eliminating all foes in their way.

Aragorn followed them onto the field. He was relieved to see that the Riders of Rohan were already in place, under the guidance of Eowyn. Theoden was there, though running in nervous circles so fast he was little more than a blur of motion.

"Die, die, we're all gonna die!" The Rohan king shouted.

"Sir," one of the Dead asked politely, "Would you be interested in taking a survey?"

"Die!" The king shouted as he did just that, collapsing on the pressed grass of the battlefield.

A small but hideous creature scampered away from the fallen King. It was jet black, with leathery wings and a long neck. Roughly three-fourths of its head were covered by two faceted eyes.

"Yuck," Eomer said, inching away form it. "What _is_ that?"

"That," an ominous voice boomed, "Is my little friend, Smookums."

The King of the Nazgul appeared in the middle of the field, seated atop a larger version of Smookums. The creature stretched its wings, blotting out the sun over a good part of the battle.

Eomer stared at it blankly, then nobly took over the king's responsibilities and ran away screaming.

Aragorn turned to call Legolas and Gimli to him, but he saw them standing over the gigantic body of an oliphant, arguing with a shimmering white figure.

"Yo, my man!" Manwe called, waving to Aragorn. "Your Elph and Dwarph homies are a little conphused as to the rules here. Does an oliphant only count as one, or is it equal to the sum of the product of x and y added to the square of x divided by y squared, if x is the angle of the sun to the earth in Mordor at noon and y..."

"Y is the sum of imaginary number j and the cube of its square root," Legolas offered helpfully.

"Hey!" Gimli protested. "Do you mean in summer, or winter?"

"Why?" Manwe asked.

"I told you!" Legolas exclaimed. "Y is the sum of j and..."

"Not that," Gimli said, "For x! In summer, x could be anywhere from 90 to 91 degress...but in winter, it is clearly 178.992345214 degrees, which means I was right!"

Manwe glanced helplessly at Aragorn and popped out of existence.

Aragorn left the Elf and Dwarf to sort out their differences, and threw himself into the battle. Off in the distance, he saw Eowyn bravely challenging the Witch King.

"Yo momma so old, Sauron was in her graduating class!" The Witch King shrieked.

"Yo momma so fat, when she goes to Mordor, Sauron can't see nothin' else!" Eowyn answered.

"Yo momma so ugly she gets mistaken for an orc!"

"You'll never be the man yo momma was!"

And with that, Eowyn swung her sword, decapitating Big Smookums. A small, hobbit-like figure beside her flung his dagger at tiny Smookums.

"Eww..." he mumbled.

"You've killed Smookums!" The Witch King cried, jumping to the ground. "How dare you...:"

But Eowyn had had enough. She stuck her sword deep into the Witch King's helmet.

"Oh, pumpkin cringle," The Witch King sighed, and died. As his helmet fell to the ground, the hilt of Eowyn's sword twisted her mail glove, snapping her fingernail.

"No!" She cried, dropping to her knees. "I...I've chipped a nail!"

Merry caught the injured Eowyn and gestured frantically for help. Eomer abandoned his round of pessimism and helped carry his sister up to Minas Tirith in search of a manicurist.

Aragorn turned back to the battle--and was surprised to discover it was all over. The dead were chasing off the last oliphants and orcs, though perhaps unintentionally--shouts of "No, I do not want to take a bloody survey!" echoed across the field.

Aragorn sighed and started back towards the ship when the King of the Dead appeared before him, once again holding a clipboard.

"Perhaps you would care to..."

"You did fine."

The Dead clustered around Aragorn, all sighing with relief. "That's the fist time we've ever been rated satisfactory," on mumbled in awe.

"Can we go now?" Another snapped.

"Yes," Aragorn answered, and the Dead left with much rejoicing.

"Hey!" Gimli called. "Help us out over here!"

"I told you!" Legolas said, running up beside the dwarf. "On average, the sun is directly 74 degrees to the ground; I don't know what you were thinking!"

"But what about y?"

"Y?"

"Why do you think? You said that..."

And off the friends went, with considerably less rejoicing and much more angry shouting than the Dead.

Aragorn sighed again, sheathed his sword, and went on his way, wondering all the way how it was he was trapped in these atrocious adventures.


End file.
